Humor
The past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.
A politician visited a village and asked what their needs were.
"We have two basic needs honorable Sir", replied the villagers "Firstly, we have a hospital but no doctor Sir." On hearing this, the politician brought out his phone, after speaking for a while he told them not worry that a doctor will be there tomorrow, and he asked for the second problem which they said,
"...secondly Sir, there is no network anywhere in this village".
Mind blowing... 🤪🤪🤪
3 friends lived in a flat on the 100th floor... One day when the lift was not working.. so they decided to take stairs and to tell each other stories as they walked up the stairs. The 1st one told a comic story till 50th floor.. the 2nd one told an action story till the 99th floor... And the 3rd one told a horror story in just one sentence...
"I forgot the flat keys in the car"
Signs of aging -Written by a Confident Lady ...😄
After a meeting, I was coming out of a hotel and I was looking for my car keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room, it wasn't there too.
Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car.
My husband has shouted many times for leaving the keys in the ignition.
My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them .......
His theory is the car will be stolen if left at the ignition key slot!
Immediately, I rushed to the parking lot and came to a terrifying conclusion .....
His theory was right. The parking lot was empty .😱😞😞
I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, description of the car, place I parked, etc. I equally confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that the car had been stolen.
Then I made the most difficult call of all, to my husband, I left my keys in the car .... and it has been stolen."
There was a big silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard his voice. "Idiot", he shouted, "I dropped you at the hotel!"
Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, and happy as well, I said, "Well, then pls come and get me."
He shouted again, "I will, as soon as I convince this policeman, that I have not stolen your car." 😁😁
An oxymoron walked into a bar, and the silence was deafening.
Silence and deafening are self-contradicting words defined as an oxymoron.
Grammar walks into a bar...
- The past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.
- A verb walks into a bar, sees a beautiful noun, and suggests they conjugate. The noun declines.
- A bar was walked into by the passive voice.
- A malapropism walks into a bar, looking for all intensive purposes like a wolf in cheap clothing, muttering epitaphs and casting dispersions on his magnificent other, who takes him for granite.
- An oxymoron walked into a bar, and the silence was deafening.
- Hyperbole totally rips into this insane bar and absolutely destroys everything.
- A question mark walks into a bar?
- A non sequitur walks into a bar. In a strong wind, even turkeys can fly.
- A mixed metaphor walks into a bar, seeing the handwriting on the wall but hoping to nip it in the bud.
- Three intransitive verbs walk into a bar. They sit. They converse. They depart.
- A synonym strolls into a tavern.
- At the end of the day, a cliché walks into a bar -- fresh as a daisy, cute as a button, and sharp as a tack.
- A figure of speech literally walks into a bar and ends up getting figuratively hammered.
- An allusion walks into a bar, despite the fact that alcohol is its Achilles heel.
- The subjunctive would have walked into a bar, had it only known.
- A misplaced modifier walks into a bar owned by a man with a glass eye named Ralph.
- A simile walks into a bar, as parched as a desert.
- A gerund and an infinitive walk into a bar, drinking to forget.
A fight between husband and wife (both are M.A. English literature).
Instead of shouting, abusing or physical force...they exchange poems to each other.
WIFE
I wrote your name on the sand,
_it got washed away
I wrote your name in the air,
it was blown away...
Then, I wrote your name in my heart and got a Heart Attack !
HUSBAND
God saw me hungry,
he created pizza.
He saw me thirsty,
he created Pepsi.
He saw me in the dark,
he created light.
He saw me without problems,..... he created YOU !
WIFE
Twinkle twinkle little star.
You should know what you are.
And once you know what you are,
Mental hospital is not so far !
HUSBAND
The rain makes all things beautiful.
_The grass and flowers too. _
If rain makes all things beautiful,
Why doesn't it rain on you ?
WIFE
Roses are red; Violets are blue;
Monkeys like you should be kept in the zoo.
Husband
Don't get angry
you will find me there too
Not in a cage but outside, laughing at you !
Wife texts husband on a cold winters morning: "WINDOWS FROZEN, won't open!"
Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and gently tap edges with a hammer."
Wife texts back five minutes later: "COMPUTER REALLY MESSED UP NOW!"
Could this have been possible without English language Skills?
"Four insurance companies are in competition.
One comes up with the slogan, "Coverage from the cradle to the grave."
The Second one tries to improve on that with, "Coverage from the womb to the tomb."
Not to be outdone, the third one comes up with, "From the sperm to the worm."
The fourth insurance company really thought hard and almost gave up the race, but finally came up with, "From the erection to the resurrection."
SOS
An Airbus 380 is on its way across the Atlantic. It flies consistently at 800 km/h at 30,000 feet, when suddenly a Eurofighter with a Tempo Mach 2 appears.
The pilot of the fighter jet slows down, flies alongside the Airbus and greets the pilot of the passenger plane by radio: "Airbus, boring flight isn’t it? Now have a look here!"
He rolls his jet on its back, accelerates, breaks through the sound barrier, rises rapidly to a dizzying height, and then swoops down almost to sea level in a breathtaking dive. He loops back next to the Airbus and asks: "Well, how was that?"
The Airbus pilot answers: "Very impressive, but watch this!"
The jet pilot watches the Airbus, but nothing happens. It continues to fly straight, at the same speed. After 15 minutes, the Airbus pilot radios, "Well, how was that?
Confused, the jet pilot asks, "What did you do?"
The AirBus pilot laughs and says: "I got up, stretched my legs, walked to the back of the aircraft to use the washroom, then got a cup of coffee and a chocolate fudge pastry."
The moral of the story is: When you’re young, speed and adrenaline seems to be great. But as you get older and wiser, you learn that comfort and peace are more important.
This is called S.O.S.: Slower, Older and Smarter.
From sane to insane
Too many people are asking again and again to give them a Christmas plum cake recipe. So here it is which I got from an Army uncle many years back.....
Recipe For Christmas Rum Cake
Ingredients:
1 or 2 bottles of rum
1 cup butter
1/8 tsp. sugar
2 large eggs
1 cup soaked dried fruit
baking powder
1 tsp. baking soda
lemon juice
brown sugar
some nuts
Directions:
Before you start, sample the rum to check for quality.
Select a large mixing bowl or measuring cup, etc. Check the rum again. It must be just right!
To be sure the rum is of the highest quality, pour 1 level cup of rum into a glass and drink it as fast as you can. Repeat.
With an electric mixer, beat butter in large fluffy bowl. Add 1 seaspoon of thugar and beat again. Meanshile, it’s important to make sure the rum is of the finest quality— try another cup.
Open the second quart of rum if necessary. Add 1 arge leggs, 2 cups of oaked fried druits and bleat till high.
If the druits get stuck in the beats, just pru it luse with a drewscriver. Important is to Shample the rum agen for cinshcistincy.
Nexst, sift 3 cups of saalt and feffer (it really doesn’t matter). Shample the wum agein.
Sift 1 pint of leemon goose, add 1 bablespun of brouuwn thugar, of whateve color tou can find. Migx well. Grease oven, tourn cake pan to 350 greeds.
Noe, poeur the whole mess sinto the boven and ake.
Cheq the crum agen and gwo to bed.
Season's Greetings to all !!...😆
A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY.
The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game?
The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.
He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa.
" Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00."
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question.
"What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"
The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.
"Okay" says the lawyer, "your turn."
She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"
The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer.
He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer.
Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail.
After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00.
The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.