Humor

The past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.

A politician visited a village and asked what their needs were.

"We have two basic needs honorable Sir", replied the villagers "Firstly, we have a hospital but no doctor Sir." On hearing this, the politician brought out his phone, after speaking for a while he told them not worry that a doctor will be there tomorrow, and he asked for the second problem which they said,

"...secondly Sir, there is no network anywhere in this village".


Mind blowing... 🤪🤪🤪


3 friends lived in a flat on the 100th floor... One day when the lift was not working.. so they decided to take stairs and to tell each other stories as they walked up the stairs. The 1st one told a comic story till 50th floor.. the 2nd one told an action story till the 99th floor... And the 3rd one told a horror story in just one sentence...


"I forgot the flat keys in the car"

Signs of aging -Written by a Confident Lady ...😄


After a meeting, I was coming out of a hotel and I was looking for my car keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room, it wasn't there too.

Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car.

My husband has shouted many times for leaving the keys in the ignition.

My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them .......

His theory is the car will be stolen if left at the ignition key slot!

Immediately, I rushed to the parking lot and came to a terrifying conclusion .....

His theory was right. The parking lot was empty .😱😞😞

I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, description of the car, place I parked, etc. I equally confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that the car had been stolen.

Then I made the most difficult call of all, to my husband, I left my keys in the car .... and it has been stolen."

There was a big silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard his voice. "Idiot", he shouted, "I dropped you at the hotel!"

Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, and happy as well, I said, "Well, then pls come and get me."

He shouted again, "I will, as soon as I convince this policeman, that I have not stolen your car." 😁😁

An oxymoron walked into a bar, and the silence was deafening.

Silence and deafening are self-contradicting words defined as an oxymoron.


Grammar walks into a bar...

- The past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.

- A verb walks into a bar, sees a beautiful noun, and suggests they conjugate. The noun declines.

- A bar was walked into by the passive voice.

- A malapropism walks into a bar, looking for all intensive purposes like a wolf in cheap clothing, muttering epitaphs and casting dispersions on his magnificent other, who takes him for granite.

- An oxymoron walked into a bar, and the silence was deafening.

- Hyperbole totally rips into this insane bar and absolutely destroys everything.

- A question mark walks into a bar?

- A non sequitur walks into a bar. In a strong wind, even turkeys can fly.

- A mixed metaphor walks into a bar, seeing the handwriting on the wall but hoping to nip it in the bud.

- Three intransitive verbs walk into a bar. They sit. They converse. They depart.

- A synonym strolls into a tavern.

- At the end of the day, a cliché walks into a bar -- fresh as a daisy, cute as a button, and sharp as a tack.

- A figure of speech literally walks into a bar and ends up getting figuratively hammered.

- An allusion walks into a bar, despite the fact that alcohol is its Achilles heel.

- The subjunctive would have walked into a bar, had it only known.

- A misplaced modifier walks into a bar owned by a man with a glass eye named Ralph.

- A simile walks into a bar, as parched as a desert.

- A gerund and an infinitive walk into a bar, drinking to forget.

A fight between husband and wife (both are M.A. English literature).

Instead of shouting, abusing or physical force...they exchange poems to each other.

WIFE

I wrote your name on the sand,

_it got washed away

I wrote your name in the air,

it was blown away...

Then, I wrote your name in my heart and got a Heart Attack !

HUSBAND

God saw me hungry,

he created pizza.

He saw me thirsty,

he created Pepsi.

He saw me in the dark,

he created light.

He saw me without problems,..... he created YOU !

WIFE

Twinkle twinkle little star.

You should know what you are.

And once you know what you are,

Mental hospital is not so far !

HUSBAND

The rain makes all things beautiful.

_The grass and flowers too. _

If rain makes all things beautiful,

Why doesn't it rain on you ?

WIFE

Roses are red; Violets are blue;

Monkeys like you should be kept in the zoo.

Husband

Don't get angry

you will find me there too

Not in a cage but outside, laughing at you !


Wife texts husband on a cold winters morning: "WINDOWS FROZEN, won't open!"

Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and gently tap edges with a hammer."

Wife texts back five minutes later: "COMPUTER REALLY MESSED UP NOW!"

Could this have been possible without English language Skills?


"Four insurance companies are in competition.

One comes up with the slogan, "Coverage from the cradle to the grave."

The Second one tries to improve on that with, "Coverage from the womb to the tomb."

Not to be outdone, the third one comes up with, "From the sperm to the worm."

The fourth insurance company really thought hard and almost gave up the race, but finally came up with, "From the erection to the resurrection."